There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize