The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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