non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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