The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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