you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
