If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
