Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
