just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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