i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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