If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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