I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
