Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He better not be in your backpack
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
