Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
my shit smells like andre
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
