I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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