He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
