I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
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