He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
