Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
