All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
