He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
