Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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