Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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