We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
