it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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