i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
