she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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