I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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