I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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