I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
do herpes really smell.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
