she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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