I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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