mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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