I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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