First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
