My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
