i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
