On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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