Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
