Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
