You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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