I got chris browned last night
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
