i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
