The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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