I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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