Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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