whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
