It's like a parade of train wrecks.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
