I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
