My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
