I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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