My first STD was from a foam party
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
