last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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