I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
