so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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