Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
bring money and cleavage
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
