she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
