one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It's just like the Real World with babies
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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