I never want to see another naked old woman again.
no, he came in my armpit
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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