Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
