I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize