Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
