I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
