Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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