I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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