I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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