I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
