You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
