so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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