i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
