apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
