I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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