it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
