Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
