why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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