and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
