thus making me awesome and them whores
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize