I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
