just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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